“Talk to Adults like you talk to children, really…”
No, really, I am serious. It is more effective speaking to adults in the manor we speak to our, let’s say, grandchildren when practicing and developing listening skills. I hope you do not mind my borrowing verbiage from my childhood environment when I say, “Check this out.” Have you ever noticed that we are becoming more distant in our communications with intimate relationships? Well, you probably have not noticed.
Let us place this in context. There is no substitute for communicating in person face to face, none. We are communicating more through email, texting and other forms of media. While the ability to connect has exponentially magnified, our intimacy and personal (deeper) connections progressively is diminishing. The result? What we consider better communication is good for friendships, but it is unhealthier for marriage and intimate relationships. Real intimacy requires touch, feel, and a sense of presence that transcends every other relationship.
Now, may we progress to our subject of speaking to adults as if they were children? Good. If you do not mind, please follow me. Aw, I sense your hesitation, but if you give me a chance I think your paradigm as it pertains to communication may shift.
We say we are listening (giving full and undivided attention) when we are simply hearing (giving partial attention) and we call it “Multitasking.” It is as if the word multitask is some mystical expression that gives a person the magical ability to give their full attention to each of the multiple tasks at the same time. It is like giving your full attention to two children speaking at the same time. You can give them both attention, but not your full attention.
Now, pause and just do something that education systems sometimes lack in teaching us. Have you paused yet? I would like to invite you to think. What does it mean when someone is talking to you and you are multitasking? It means, the person speaking does not have your full attention, but the attention you are displaying is sufficient for them for communication going on between the two of you.
Such patterns are an early relational death or, “Let’s stay together from a distance” sign for any relationship. Have you ever experienced a woman in the kitchen, or a man working on something and, as soon as the grandchild steps in the room everything stops and that child has their full attention? When you stop what you are doing, kneel to their eye level, and look them in the eye, what you are communicating without saying it is, “At this moment, you are the most important person in the whole wide world.”
Do you remember, how sad you looked when your child or grandchild gave you a most descriptive detailed account of how they scraped their knee? How you looked sad, how you felt bad for them, how you wished you could take their pain away; or how you kissed that spot where their pain was a week ago as if they just did it? Yes, let us be mature about this situation and own our behavior towards that child or grandchild.
When we speak with grandchildren or children, it is not simply the eye contact, it is our entire being; our looks, responses, body language, focus. In some ways we become their little cheerleaders. A cheerleader does not only say affirming words, they put their emotions and body into what they are expressing. To listen, we have to employ all the tools necessary to fully engage the person speaking, which is much deeper than hearing.
Let me help you with a little counseling secret. I am going to give this to you free of charge. People sit in my office and wonder why their spouse or significant other is interested in someone else. One of the common factors is someone else is listening to your spouse or significant other the way we listen to children when you stopped multitasking.
One more thought here. While we are attracted to the negative; gossip and conflict, we have a need for intimacy in the positive. This is one of the reasons so many relationships drift away. In the early stages they listened. They got married, started behaving as if they were married and shifted from listening to hearing.
My recommendation? Return to the basics. Learn to listen and give your spouse or that important person in your life the focus and attention you give to grandchildren.
Abiade is a contributing column writer for Community Voices.